


Hey, Just Look at Me. Breathe.

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor’s suicidal, M/M, i think so but I also think it’s cheesy, maybe idk, oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 11:30:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: yet another one from the prompts list thing on the tumbs. this one was suggested by anon so i can’t tell you to follow them however i can tell you to follow mefollow me on the tumbs at previousanon and evanxconnor you cowards





	Hey, Just Look at Me. Breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> yet another one from the prompts list thing on the tumbs. this one was suggested by anon so i can’t tell you to follow them however i can tell you to follow me  
> follow me on the tumbs at previousanon and evanxconnor you cowards

_[Connor] 3 minutes ago  
evan r u still up? pls say ur up. god i fucking hope u are. y is this suddenly so hard? it’s like a year ago it was the easiest fucking thing in the entire world. now it’s so fucking hard but i still wanna do it  
[Connor] 1 minute ago  
pls come im at the orchard and rly need a hug rn _  
Evan kits his eyebrows together at the texts sitting and waiting on his home screen.  
It’s almost eleven o’clock and Connor is at the orchard? Sure, Connor stays up unreasonably late most nights, but this is just crossing the line. Why would he be there, not at home?  
Evan’s fingers hover over his keyboard, creating a response in his head. He doesn’t want to sound too weird, but also doesn’t want to sound not concerned. If that makes any sense. He types out a response and hits send before proofreading and over analyzing it.   
_[To: Connor] now  
I mean, I would, but I don’t have a car._  
Evan chews his thumbnail and awaits a response.   
His head races with too many things that Connor could be doing right now. He shakes nervously at all of them. Three little dots appear at the left side of the screen. Evan lets out a small sigh of relief at the sight of them.   
_[Connor] now  
u can take ur moms. u said she didn’t have class today right. just leave her a note. pls hurry_  
Evan can’t argue with that.   
_[To: Connor] now  
I’ll be there in 10 minutes. _  
Evan doesn’t realise how shaky his hands still are as he writes the note to Heidi and leaves it on the kitchen table. He’s pretty sure it’s mostly illegible, but it doesn’t matter right now. He has to see what’s wrong with Connor.   
He isn’t used to driving, doesn’t like it, wasn’t even really set on learning how to until last year, but in times like this, he feels he needs to.   
The drive takes longer than ten minutes, due to Evan spacing out and panicking about what Connor can be doing at this moment. Those three dots definitely calmed him down then, but now they’re not there and his heart pumps way too fast and he wishes Connor had called him.   
He pulls into the small dirt parking lot of the orchard and enters, squinting in the late night darkness. He looks around at the familiar rows of trees, desperately trying to spot Connor.   
“Connor! Come on, where are you!” He calls. It sounds way too teen movie cliché, but at this point, he really doesn’t care.   
At the silence in response, Evan panics just a little bit more. His legs begin to feel like jelly and his head becomes just a little bit dizzy. No. He pushes them aside and begins running through the trees.   
“Connor!” Evan yells as he reaches the end of one of the rows. He begins calling it over and over again, and then hears the water of the little stream running.   
He turns around. There sits the stream, the hill, and the old café. Against the café is a figure, huddled against it and shaking.   
“Hey.” Evan crosses the stream and approaches the figure. Connor looks up with absolutely zero trace of emotion in his eyes. “Hey, oh my god,”  
Evan kneels down next to Connor and pulls him into a hug, patting his hair down and shushing him. Before long, Connor begins sobbing into Evan’s chest, bunching his hand up in Evan’s polo and desperately trying to get words out.   
But they won’t come.   
“Hey,” Evan says soothing out his voice as much as possible, “just… look at me.” He pulls Connor away from his chest and forces eye contact, no matter how much either of them hate it, “breathe,”  
Evan begins taking slow, deep breaths. Connor follows carefully, though his breathing is still shaky and tears are still making their way down his cheeks.   
“It’s okay,” Evan says, remembering what Connor does to calm Evan down. He begins rubbing his thumb against Connor’s shoulder. “You’re okay,”  
Connor gulps. He looks at his lap and nods, but it slowly turns into shaking his head in disagreement. “No I’m not. I’m not fucking okay. It’s not fucking okay. I don’t… I don’t know what… what to do.” He bunches the same hand that was previously in Evan’s shirt in his hair, keeping the other tightly closed. “It was so easy. I was able to think about it easily, and now… I just can’t. I want to. I really, really want to. I can’t bring myself to, Evan. It’s just not fair. It’s not fucking fair,”  
Evan backs up a few inches and sits down cross legged. He looks at Connor.   
“You can’t do what?” Evan asks quietly.   
Connor exhales loudly and slowly opens the hand that was tightly closed. A handful of fifteen or so pills sit there, taunting the two of them.   
“Oh…”  
“I know!” Connor all by screams. He throws the pills against the wall of the café and yells, “I’m such a fucking freak! Piece of shit! I know it! I deserve to die! I need to do it! Everyone would be better because of it! They would all thank me! I just know it, okay? I deserve to die!”  
“Shut up,” Evan says softly, “shut up, shut up, shut up,” he gets louder each time he says it, “don’t say that about yourself. No one would thank you if you died. We would all be in absolute pieces. You are not a freak, you are not piece of shit, you do not deserve to die, for God’s sake,”  
Connor slowly turns to Evan with surprise in his eyes. Evan can read from Connor’s expression: did Evan Hansen just swear? Connor’s face turns from surprise, to disbelief, to sadness, and finally to slight happiness.   
“I thought it’d be easy. It’s not,” Connor mutters with a shrug, “why?”  
“Because now you have reasons to live. It’s cheesy. But you do. So, please, don’t say those things about yourself again,”  
The sincerity in Evan’s voice clicks something on in Connor’s brain and he grins. He grins and begins crying tears of joy. He slowly moves to Evan and they hug tighter than ever before, Connor muttering a ‘thank you’ every five seconds.   
Evan doesn’t say ‘you’re welcome.’ Rather, he thanks Connor for texting him.

**Author's Note:**

> this only took me an hour to write  
> that was unnecessary you can probably tell it did


End file.
